Glutino Decadent Chocolate Cake

You know how you try a product and it’s really good, so you try another product of the same brand.

What you don’t realize is that the high expectations you gained from trying the first product influences your feelings when you try a second product. And, in all honesty, it dooms the new product to fail from the start.

A long time ago, Mumika and I tried a gluten free chocolate cake box mix. Why? I don’t know. Probably to try something different. This was before gluten free became all the rage that it is today. It was one of those, it’s supposedly healthy, why not try it? What’s the worse that can happen?

It was the most god awful tasting chocolate cardboard posing as cake I had ever had. Flash foward a good few years, technology, and the time to create a better method of gluten free flower blending, and one would think there would be a better tasting cake.

One would think.

I ended up making cupcakes instead. The thought process was chocolate cake with a strawberry mascarpone cheese frosting, but that totally didn’t happen.

First and foremost, when making this box mix, the batter was extremely runny to the point that I feared it would end up being a hot soupy mess. Also, it had to be baked longer causing the cake to dry out. On top of that, the cake was extremely dense and not that fluffy awesomeness we all know and love of cake.

In a nutshell, it failed on so many levels that when it came to taste, I didn’t really care that much. It tasted better than chocolate cardboard but not by much.

Which means, I’ll have to experiment with different flours or flour blends before finding the perfect cake.

Grrrr……

I would try to make this again but I fear it would end the same causing me to waste money on it. Maybe I’ll try a different cake box mix next time.

Martha White Gluten Free Blueberry Muffin Pouch

As I was walking down the baking aisle at HEB, looking for anything gluten free, I came across Martha White Gluten Free Blueberry Muffin mix pouch thing.

I hate muffin pouches. They are as pointless as cookie pouch mixes. But I was like, you know what, what the hell, lets try it. It was only $1.50, how could I say no.

When I got home and looked at the ingredients, much to my horror, I realized my mistake. On the list of ingredients, I found artificial blueberry bits. What.the.FUCK does that mean?

Seriously?

I don’t get it. Why claim there’s blueberry, if there aren’t blueberries in the bloddy thing.

But I made it anyway, because this is all about trying new things and gaining a better understanding and what have you. Although, part of my understanding now is that homemade where you physically had fresh blueberries to a muffin mix is the way to go. This way you know that there is actual blueberries in it and artificial, imitation, blueberry bits, pieces or whatever it claims. These so called blueberries is nothing but dye, high fructose corn syrup and sugar. So basically, they are adding extra sugar and calling it blueberries. I don’t know how that works, or even how on earth they get it to remotely smell like blueberries. Must be that artificial flavor or in this case smell.

So yeah.

Um, no. No no no no no. No. NO. NO. no. Did I say no? Because I mean no. No. NO. no. No. Just no.

Don’t do it. Don’t ever do it.

And if someone offers you blueberry muffins and the bits look oddly round and small and questionable and bubbly blue colored melted sugar, kindly say no thank you. Because it’s a facade, a horrible blueberry muffin facade. It’s not real. It never was real. I never will be real. Boycott it. Yes, boycott it.

Sadness.

Pineapple Angel Cake

A little over a year ago, I was introduce to the whole angel food cake pineapple thing. I was excited over the sweetness and pops of fruity pineapple between the light and airy cake. And then my bubble was burst when someone told me it came from a box mix.

A box mix!

Ugh!

Seriously!

I really hate this lets transform box mixes phenomenon that are labeled as cheats. Don’t feel like making real cookies, then use a box cake mix with chocolate chips and get the gooiest cookies ever created. Make a box cake mix taste homemade by adding this that and all the other. Or why take time making banana nut bread when all you have to do is add banana and nuts to a yellow cake box mix. It’s so beguiling. And frustrating.

I mean, if you’re going to cheat, do it right and just by an already made cake or refrigerated cookie dough. Why add more ingredients to a mix ladled in sugar and carbs? A simple recipe with from scratch that has like 14 grams of carbs per serving, now has about 38 grams of carbs from the additions you made as a way to make it taste like you slaved an extra 30 minutes on it. You might as well have made it from scratch and save the overly abundant sweetness and carbs and thighs. Because you know all those little extras are going straight to that area of your body.

Where was I?

Because I was making a smaller angel food cake for the trifle in attempt to make sure it didn’t float like last year and to make it smaller which mean less carbs and sugar, I had to figure out what to do with the extra batter.

Pineapple Angel cake! Bahahahahahahahahha. I’m a genius. And it’s something we can enjoy for breakfast or brunch or a snack during the brisket smoking.

pineapplesponge

Pineapple Angel Cake

1/2 the angel food cake recipe
8 oz can of crushed pineapple, drained

Directions

Make angel food cake as instructed.

Before pouring into a square cake tin sprayed with cooking spray, fold in pineapple.

Bake at 350 for 30 minutes or until golden brown.

Makes 12.

It’s perfect. Absolutely perfect.

Only one problem. I used a carton of egg whites instead of actual egg whites so they never peaked the way I wanted it to.

Moral of the story – DO NOT try to save money and USE EGG WHITES FROM A CARTON. It doesn’t work.

And if it does, it takes forever.

Other than that, it was perfect. The light airiness and the pops of yellow speckled in the cake bringing sparks of pineapple in every bite. Goes perfect with coffee or tea.

So make it for a luncheon and surprise every one when you tell them it wasn’t made from a box.

Take that Susie FastMaker, destroyer of yumminess, creator of type 2 diabetes. Okay, maybe I went a little too far with that. I fully respect Mom’s with busy life’s and handling the kids, the house, and a job at the same time. Mumika was a single parent. It’s not easy. So shortcuts to bring food onto the table or being reminded that you promised to make 36 cupcakes for class or a school fundraiser are desperately needed. But just think about what you are allowing your kids to put in their mouths by using these short cuts. That’s all I ask. The future health of your children will thank you.

For an even low sugar and carb version use the strawberry shortcake cupcake recipe.

 

 

Pecan Pie Bark

Much to my surprise, no one brought a dessert with them. Someone always brings a dessert. Good think I had dessert covered.

I actually did a test batch at my house before making it at my mother in laws. I wanted to see if I could reduce the amount of sugar and butter without ruining the consistency of it. That and I wanted to know if I could use parchment paper. I ended up ruining the batch and having to take all the pecans and stirring it into extra butter so that it would adhere to the graham crackers. Even with the extra butter, the sugar didn’t melt down and cause the pecans to solidify. I was absolutely livid. And it only made half a batch.

So I figured I would do everything based on the directions. The full cup of sugar, the two sticks of butter. And guess what?!?!?! Still didn’t work. There is something inherently wrong with this recipe that has not been brought up in the dozens of recipe sites I found this on. Also, there isn’t enough pecans to cover the 12 sheets of graham cracker. I ended up using 2 cups of pecans. Maybe I used too many pecans the second time, who knows? I would have done a third batch but pecans are too expensive to be used on a fucked up recipe.

You have been warned.

pecanpiebark

Pecan Pie Bark

2 cups pecans
1 cup sugar
2 sticks butter
12 sheets of graham crackers

Directions

Place graham crackers on a lightly sprayed cookie sheet.

Melt butter slightly in a saucepan.

Add sugar and pecans, stirring as the sugar and butter melt.

Keep stirring until the mixture starts boiling.

Pour pecan mixture slowly onto the graham crackers.

Spread the sugar and pecans evenly on the graham crackers.

Pop the bark in the oven at 325 for 8 minutes.

Let bark cool down before breaking it apart.

Makes 24 squares. Per square.

Even though I cheated on the pecan pie bark, it actually tasted like pecan pie.

I figured this would be les carbs than an actual pecan pie with the same taste. Maybe next time I’ll make pecan pie bars since this really didn’t work out the way I wanted it to.

But if your in a pinch and happen to have pecans, butter, sugar, and graham crackers on you, at least you know something yummy and tasty that can be whipped up in under 10 minutes.

Also, the first batch I made, I did it based on the instructions and felt that tossing the butter, sugar, and pecans together and melting everything at the same time could have also ruined the consistency I was supposed to have. When I made the second batch, I melted the butter slightly so that the sugar would not burn before the butter had melted. I had gotten lumps of sugar on the pecans the first time, and despite me redoing it by adding extra butter, there were still clumps of sugar. I don’t know if that has something to do with the molecular structure of sugar. But I didn’t have this issue in the second batch.

on the bright side, there was no use of corn syrup/

Slow Cooker Peach Cobbler

This is the third time I’ve made this recipe. And its the second time it burned, didn’t set right, and what have you.

First time, worked like a charm. Came out perfect. Second time, burned. Third time, burned and didn’t set.

WTF!?!?!?!?

I could not figure out for the life of me what I did wrong. The worst part is the second time I made this, I had friends over and burning food is not something I’m known for. I’ve had epic fails before, but that usually happens the first time I make it. I regroup, look at the recipe again, figure out how to make it better, and try again several months later. If it works the first time, then it should work perfectly every time after that.

Not to mention Bryan’s parents are from Georgia and supposedly his grandmother’s cobbler is the most amazing cobbler ever made. There’s a lot of pressure with peach cobbler in this household. I know it won’t be anything like his grandmother’s, although it turns out I have the recipe on my phone bwhahaha. However, the man has high expectations and I like to try to meet those incredibly high expectations.

As Bryan and I eat my third attempt, it hits me why my second and third attempt was so disastrous. And it’s such a rookie mistake, but I was pressed for time and did a shortcut. I used frozen peaches instead of fresh.

How stupid am I?

Ugh.

I should have seen this coming. Frozen anything defrosts in the cooking process causing extra water. This water ends up ruining the batter by burning or not allowing it to set. Eureka! Science outsmarts me as usual on a molecular and chemical level.

Moral of the story – DO NOT USE FROZEN FRUITS! JUST DON’T DO IT! Take the time to deseed and peel or core or whatever.

Despite the burning on the sides of the slow cooker, the cobbler tasted pretty good. Almost as good as Bryan’s grandmother’s.

peachcobbler

Slow Cooker Peach Cobbler

half stick butter, melted
4 cups fresh peaches, peeled and sliced about 1/2 inch
1 teaspoon vanilla
 3/4 cup sugar, divided
1 cup flour
1 1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon cinnamon
pinch of nutmeg
1 cup milk

Directions

Pour melted butter into the slow cooker

In a medium bowl, combine 1/4 cup sugar, peaches and vanilla. Toss to coat peaches.

In another bowl, place flour, baking powder, salt, cinnamon, nutmeg and 1/2 cup of sugar. Stir until well combines.

Pour the milk in the flour bowl and stir until there is no lumps.

Pour batter into the slow cooker.

Slowly pour peaches on top of batter evenly.

Cover and let cook on high for 3 hours.

Makes 6. Calories: 228, Carbohydrate: 42 grams, Sugar: 28 grams, Fiber: 2 grams, Protein: 3 grams.

The recipe originally has you melt the butter in the slow cooker, while you’re peeling the peaches. You can do that, or you can cheat and use a microwave. I also reduced the sugar to a cup because the natural sweetness from the peaches.

Please keep in mind each slow cooker is different. I would check around the 2 hour mark to see how fast the batter is baking. When using the frozen peaches, 3 hours proved to be too long and the cobbler ended up burned.

I love this recipe. The cinnamon spices the peaches perfectly with a hint of vanilla.

And this is perfect for those hot summers. You can make some comfort food without losing the comfort of the AC. Or if you’re like me with no AC and only window units, this is a perfect way to make a dessert without causing your house to become so hot you nearly faint. And it’s not even August in Texas yet!

Also, not at all diabetic friendly. So, make this on special occasions and only eat a sliver of it.

Slow Cooker Baked Apples

Whenever I think of baked apples, I think of fall and special occasions. This is one of those dishes that I’m pretty sure were never made during my childhood. I remember boiling apples in water when I was 13, but stuffing them with cinnamon and oats, I do not.

I love mushy apples. I love boiled apples. I love those cinnamon apples you can get at Outback with almost every steak. Most people would be put off by the texture, but not me.

I’ve been wanting to make baked apples for a while. Bryan is put off by the taste and texture, more by the texture. The biggest problem is that all the baked apple recipes I came across were either using an oven or had raisins in it. So, I made my recipe up. Because that’s what I do.

 

image
Slow Cooker Baked Apples

4 firm apples
1/4 cup old fashioned oatmeal
1 tablespoons cinnamon
1/4 cup brown sugar
4 pats of butter, divided

Directions

Using a melon baller, core each apple creating a nice place to put your oatmeal mixture.

In a small bowl, combine your oatmeal, cinnamon and brown sugar with a spoon.

Stuff each apple with your oatmeal mixture and place them inside your slow cooker.

Place one pat of butter on top of each apple.

Cook on LOW for 2 hours.

Makes 4. Calories: 164, Carbohydrates: 36 grams, Sugar: 27 grams, Fiber: 5 grams, Protein: 1 gram.

I would use a melon baller instead of a knife because, believe it or not, it’s actually easier. And you are less likely to accidentally knick the bottom of the apple. I used jonagold apples. They seemed to be more fitting. You can core out as much apple as you want, there’s no right or wrong way to do it. I scooped out a little extra apple to fit more oatmeal in to create a balance.

Whatever you do, DO NOT OVERSTUFF!!!!!! Why? They apple will explode from the oats cooking. I’m dead serious, do not do it. This happens:
image

I heart these apples. Absolutely love them. Pair it with some ice cream and caramel sauce. Eat them as a dessert. Or you can have it for breakfast. It’s like a deconstructed apple and cinnamon oatmeal.

Everything is perfect. The mushiness of apples. The oatmeal. The brown sugar and cinnamon. All put together to bake the perfectly tart and sweet bite. Personally, I think you could eat these year round. But I can see how this would be more of a fall desert. I do, however, like the idea of this for breakfast.

Also the reason for the high sugar and carb count is because apples tend to be high in fructose. They also are quite high in fiber. I love it when the 4 or more grams of fiber rule works in my favor when it comes to sweets.

Eat them the same day you make them, they tend to implode after a day because of the retextured apple.

So if you’re having a small dinner party and don’t want to worry about dessert, these are easy to make and comes together quickly. Pop them in the slow cooker after dinner is made and by the time everyone is ready for dessert, the apples will be done. It’s all about being a seemingly effortless host.

Banana Pancake Fail!!!!

I know you’ve seen it all over the internet. The life hacks when it comes to food.

I know better than to try these audacious claims. Why? Because they fail epically. I tried the mini pineapple upside down cakes that you make in muffin tins. That failed. It was too eggy. Luckily, I only wasted 88 cents.

I will not try to make anything that cost an exorbitant amount of money to make where it might blow up in your face. Then what happens? You get pissed and want to kill things and curse the person who created such a disgusting mess of food ruining perfectly good ingredients that could be made into something more yummy.

It’s like the crockpot orange chicken with the wrong picture posted on facebook recipe pages everywhere. Or that stupid eggless edible chocolate chip cookie dough recipe. I’ve tried that one too. It was the most bland thing I’ve ever created. And I was looking forward to it because I was going to dip it into chocolate and make chocolate chip cookie dough truffles. But that didn’t happen because the recipe was wrong. I was angry, oh so angry. I ended up adding some eggs and baking soda into it and it became a chocolate chip cookie cake. My father inlaw gobbled that shit up with milk. I think it’s the only dessert I’ve made that he has eaten. So, at least it didn’t go to waste.

Where am I going with this?

I had a ripe banana and access to two eggs.

You know where I’m going.

pointless

Don’t let the smiley face out of food fool you. It is not all sunbeams, unicorns, and rainbows.

You mash the banana, whisk in two eggs and all of a sudden you have these yummy good for you pancakes that gluten free, dairy free and all that jazz.

LIES!!!!!! ALL OF IT IS LIES!!!!!

What you get is basically overly sweet banana taste that makes you sick with cooked egg.

Have you ever noticed how no one writes about actually trying it and it tasting good?!?!?!? It’s because either no one has tried it or the people that have tried it doesn’t want to own up that they have tried it to warn people not to attempt is because the taste was absolutely atrocious.

It fluffed up a little like a pancake, smelled like a pancake, but it lies and deceives you. Even when it hits your taste buds for the first time, you’re thinking okay, a little sweet but no big deal. But then the second wave of flavor and after taste sets in and everything goes horrible wrong in your mouth making you wonder what on earth you got yourself into to.

So if someone says this is the most amazing pancake ever and they will never make pancakes any other way for the rest of their lives – they either have no taste buds, don’t know what good food taste like, or, the most logical, are lying to you.

NEVER SACRIFICE THE ABILITY TO MAKE YUMMY FOOD BY CUTTING IMPORTANT INGREDIENTS, LIKE I DON’T KNOW – FLOUR!!!!!, OUT! JUST SAY NO!

Your body, mind, and tongue will thank you.

Here at the DIABETIC Kitchen, we aren’t all about yummy food, we are also about warning you about the icky food that masques itself as yummy food enticing you to be adventurous and try it. We sacrifice our taste buds, so that you will never have to try anything grotesque ever.

You have been warned.

You’re Welcome.

Out of curiosity, I did the nutritional value. All the websites claims its for one person, but you can make three pancakes easy with it. FOR EACH PANCAKE. Calories: 78, Carbohydrates: 8 grams, Sugar: 4 grams, Fiber: 1 gram, Protein: 5 grams.